quite a strange phenomena. I hope it has happened to all of us. To me it’s like catching a ride on a wave. But sometimes it’s not as fun as that. Maybe it’s because I’m so inherently self-conscious I turn everything into a big deal. In reality I am not that big of a deal. Do I see myself as such? I make things more and more difficult on myself. I try not to. Maybe it’s because I spend most of my downtime thinking about how I can Improve anything and everything about me. I feel like I want to show people me. Why can’t I just be me. I think all eyes are on me when I’m around other people…. Is it because I draw all of my attention to myself when nobody else is around. I’m too strange. Even I am unaware of the things I dream up. When Playing guitar I truly lose myself… Or am I just being me. It feels so good. The next chance I have I am going to set up amp A in the corner opposite of amp B. Running these two amplifiers in stereo with stereo effects in a room illuminated by candle light. The ambient noise should be just right. This is what feels right.
Staying out of my comfort zone is my hobby.. If I wasn’t happy with the way things were going why would I continue to do the same thing everyday in everyway. Do something different.. shake it up, stir it up. try not to be so boring. When my arm band for my ipod broke I thought the gym was going to be so boring without my punk rock hip hop music. I had already lost all praise for my material possessions so I was not upset about a stupid 20 dollar piece of whatever it’s made of. So I decided to do my most time consuming exercise outside. I had 14 square miles of which I can run around which equals to an infinite amount of routes I can take during my run. So this loss helped a gain. many things are a blessing in disguise. Where I work a new policy came out in which soldiers are not allowed to use their personal computers. The 12 hour internet binge turned into a cleaning spree… I love the constant movement.
I know what to do but I don’t know how to do it. Something has been inhibiting my movements. Am I nervous. Why don’t I ever act at the appropriate time. Why do I say this and do that. I’m lazy. Very lazy. But I admire hard work and strenuous effort more than I like laying on my back or sitting on my bum. I feel like I’m in constant pain when I am not moving.. please I need more motion.
The way I feel affects the state of my room. The state of my room affects the way I feel.
The little things… That’s what I had forgotten to appreciate during my countless hours of nothingness. I grew bitter from being so sedentary.. I guess doing nothing influences the thought that nothing is happening. I forgot about the little dances of life and the roles we all play in it. How one thing affects another and so on and so forth. I grew tired of being tired. My head was filled with all the wrong thoughts and all the wrong Ideas… then, I was given a chance to escape… A four day pass for a little R+R. As the Blackhawk started to fly away from my base I felt the weight on my shoulders go away.
It has been five months since I first got to Iraq. The first two months I spent every other day standing ready for 24 hours for nothing to happen. The occasional foot patrol was nice. The occasional drive around Baghdad was also something I enjoyed. What I need is something different all of the time. I get bored. Bored with myself and everything else. Books provide my Imagination with what it desires but not what it craves. I feel like I do nothing. Everyday I do absolutely nothing. It drives me crazy. I have a set routine which never goes according to plan. A daily schedule filled with unimportant activities. These past three months have been stupid. Being so idle I tend to dig deep into my brain. Deeper than I could have ever Imagined and for the most part I find painful memories and scary realizations. No one should ever examine themselves this much.